So I work in a Grocery Store…

People expect you that seeming since you work in a grocery store 40+ hours a week and that everytime you see them they expect that you are like this close personal friend that is all “hey man whats up, where you been? Oh getting some grapes… thats rad! Oh sorry to hear about your mom.. I bet she was a fantastic lady.”

Not really, fuck I don’t even know your name. You’re just a face to me that pays with a broken food stamp card. While you can get on a name basis with your customers, and I guess that would be going the extra mile, but then again I don’t want to be just another soulless victim, to like, the man.

I’ve said it since I’ve started and I’m sure I’ll be saying it until the day I quit, but I just don’t get paid enough to care.

Once again, sorry about the lack of updates, but once again, I’m just way too manly to do such things. I’ve got to like lift weights and talk about jet skis and shit. Maybe flex my muscles in public. Go to the shooting range, or maybe even too busy drinking red bulls and hanging out with banging chicks all need with my sweet popped collar shirt and my puka shells.

Are puka shells even in style anymore?

So anyways, truth be told I am absolutely atrocious with names, and to be perfectly honest I forget peoples names on a day to day basis. I don’t think I even know all the employees at my store even though I always seem to be striking up a conversation with several during the day. Call it asshole like, but I just have them ringed in as “short butcher block lady”, “wavy hair pharmacy lady who leaves when I start work,” “always leaving early booth lady” and of course “disgruntled service deli worker” but that latter one can work for pretty much every one of those service deli people, I can’t blame them at all.

The service deli is totally the “fast food” area of the grocery store business. If you want to be all fancy and work in a grocery store, yet want the mood of a fast food restaurant, then thats the place for you. Not only are you breading chicken 99% OF THE TIME, but you also get the biggest collaboration of ASSHOLES and people with their HEADS STUCK UP THEIR ASSES. I don’t understand why people just find it necessary that if they have to wait in line that it is an inconvenience to them. Realize usually the worst of the people who complain are paying with foodstamps and think they deserve the world handed to them on a platter because the government has made them think this. But christ almighty, calm down people.

ITS FUCKING CHICKEN. EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO WAIT AN EXTRA 5 MINUTES, YOU ARE GOING TO BE SHITTING SOMETHING STRONG IN A COUPLE HOURS.

Like I said before, yea I don’t know anyones names. Hell the only reason I know certain customers names are because other associates have said their names to them so I’m not left wondering anymore. And usually if they’re in enough it will stick. But my memory with names is like throwing a pencil into the ceiling. 99% of the time you miss and if that 1% of the time you actually get it to stick the fucking thing is just going to fall down in 5 minutes. My mind is taken up with too many other manly things, like motorcyles and what barb-wire tattoo to get on my bicep.

Really people just come buy groceries, grab what you need, and have some fucking patience. Everything is out of our control. We do our job and yea, sometimes there are fuck ups but the other 95% of the time is the god damn idiot in front of you talking on their cell phone totally oblivious to the fact that we’ve been done and are ready for them to pay, or too busy letting their kids run around the fucking store screaming and throwing a tissy fit because their parents are afraid to punish them.

JUST HIT THE FUCKER

Going to a grocery store is a lot like going to take a test. be fucking prepared dickheads. Stop inconveniencing the people around you and don’t piss us off because then we do a shitty job and then we really will smash your grapes and put your eggs on the bottom.

This blog has really become a rant. I am one enraged employee.

Awkward is the new funny. In all honesty I’m pretty damn sure theres no way around it. While… awkward at the time, in retrospect these moments always end up the funniest.

As a checker you get your regulars, and you form some sort of strange friendship… or maybe relationship with a customer. Its definitely not friendship, just some sort of awkward acquaintance.

So naturally there’s this girl that has been coming to the store for as long as I have been working and shes around the same age as me, mid-20’s (OKAY THATS WIERD SAYING THAT, its 3AM and I think I ruined my day.) and shes a bit quiet, but always really nice and cordial. Always nicely dressed, got the whole business casual thing girls have going on when they work in the offices so she seems to have a good head on her shoulders and responsible.

So she comes in the other day and I’m scanning her groceries. You know, the typical 20something groceries; tomatos, celery, salad, cool I see you’re making a salad thats pretty awesome. As a checker you kind of get a feel for what people are eating. So anyways continue with the order oh hey look some cup of ramen, cup of ramen, PREGNANCY TEST, cup of ramen.

WAIT HOLY FUCK? PREGNANCY TEST.

Totally blind sides me, here I am scanning some healthy greens and some quick snacks when out from left field is A PREGNANCY TEST. I kind of tense up, oh god, do I say something, do I give it a special bag or do I just go on like normal? Oh god help me.

I’m pretty sure I did what any normal checker would do.

I threw it in her bag of cup of ramen and hide it under a stack of ramen. If those cup o noodle’s were the cookie that surrounds a fortune, OH MAN YOU ARE IN FOR A SURPRISE.

Crisis averted right? Good job Chris you got this under control, deep breath. Now to end the order with something smart, don’t be an idiot.

“Have a good night.” I say as shes paid and takes her groceries.

SHIT.

Is that even the right thing to say?? Whenever there is a pregnancy test involved I really don’t know what the proper thing to say is… good night? Good Luck? I hope its not yours? Shes lying because you dumped her, its a girls go to drill? Don’t pee on your ipod shuffle on accident, they do look alike? Enjoy 18 years of responsibility you obviously aren’t ready for if you are coming into a grocery store for a pregnancy test, you didn’t even buy a name brand?

Hell if I know, but man pregnancy tests are just a confusing matter.

What do you people want from me!! AUGGGH. I’m not some sort of blog publishing machine. I know, I KNOW a couple months.. maybe even a year between actual content is a long time, but sometimes things just get in the way. You know like, laundry, lots and lots of laundry.

So to make matters quick and to get to the post, i have been doing laundry the entire time, a plethora of it. And yes, I am coming back with an amazing word selection leaving you blinding with my madness.

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Whoa, I’m pretty sure you have stumbled upon this corner of the internet by pure accident. Don’t worry I’m apologizing right now, and I am sorry that you are reading this agonizing section of words. But fear not, this is the internet and you can always just hit that little back button, or my personal favourite the X button and BAM GONE FOR GOOD. If you are an ACTUAL visitor, then read on my friend.

For the locals who know the drill, yes the look has changed a bit, being somewhat of a web guy I do enjoy to change things up from time to time, and as much as I enjoy a default theme, some things have got to change. Change is good, right? Maybe the best change will be the ads located at the bottom of the page (out of harms way, unless you want to look at previous posts in the archive!! haw haw).

What does this all mean?

Probably nothing really, just me pretending to update my writing. But ahh who knows, summer always brings out the best in us!

Don’t spill the beans!!!

More posts coming, but I had this really awkward moment today at the checkstand, I mean my mind is a beautiful thing.

A girl came through my line, and APPARENTLY she was really cute because when I said her total I said “that will be twelve fifty SEX”.

oopsie daisys, I totally don’t think she caught it but I know I did, a good five seconds afterwards. I probably turned about 20 shades of red because holy crap. It was late in the night so there were like no one in the store, no noises to cover up my oopsie daisy.

I’ve never wanted a customer to slide their debit card and get as far away from me as soon as possible. I almost wanted to apologize to the next customer but I would have probably ended up saying something even worse.

Lets pretend just for a second I didn’t forget my username/password to log in to write on this. Yea its been a while, so what you wanna fight about it?

I sit here eating my bowl of delicious smacks cereal (which impressively always makes urine smell awkward, don’t believe me TRY IT) I find it strikingly odd that I finally get people to READ what I have to write and then I stop writing, oh how cruel this world works. Regardless, I should really start writing simply to keep these people happy before I start getting my house egged or something to that effect.

Before I get into the jibblets and tidbits, I just want to thank everyone for their kind words, and that I’m trying my best.

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This just in, Chris/Jimmypop316 from our host finally got off his non-recording duff and recorded the Podcast we had been hoping for for such a long time!!

Sorry for the lack of updates, but please enjoy it here!

Chris from DCnet Podcast on Grocery Stores
Download

No updates. [complaints complaints complaints]

It happens, its summer, the laze and haze sets in and you have to enjoy your time. Lets disregard the fact that I’ve been at the same place where I can post entries from when I’m “enjoying my time” but that doesn’t matter does it?

We got another writer joining the fray, and they work in a pleasant smaller grocery store, but one with its own problems nonetheless. I’ve heard stories of customers trying to buy smokes and booze with WIC checks, a baby with its diaper on backwards and a methmonkey with her top falling off. Whoa!!!

Besides, if anything this will give me a bit of competition to write more to see who can get the more laughs. Regardless, heres a little interesting post I found online about the customer service industry at restaurants. Take a look at it and enjoy the top 10 quotes to a waiter:

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I was scanning items like I usually do at work (despite you may see people who make being a checker look hard, it isn’t) and I got a tiny paper cut from one of those ginormous stupid women’s magazines explaining HOW TO PLEASURE YOUR MAN or something else to the extent like HAIR SECRETS AND YOU — HOW THE WIND AFFECTS YOUR ROOTS.

You understand right? regardless I look at the lady and go “your stupid magazine gave me a paper cut and it hurts really laugh.” She pretty much should have just scoffed at me and laughed. Wait… wait she did.

OH I HATE YOU CUSTOMERS.

Well.. lets see here last update: July 19th 2007. My plans to up date three times a week, quite frankly, are doing amazing!! Such a Procrastinating slacker.

Great News also! Chris over from the host site at drycereal.net will be doing a podcast of sorts (he calls it a cerealcast or vocal news.. he’s particularly odd so don’t really mind him.) for the site. His voice may be annoying, but he carries some laughs every here and there. If you are intrigued you can check out his hits at: http://drycereal.net/?page_id=4, or you can always just hit up the main website at: http://www.drycereal.net. And once again, huge props to him hosting us until we can get something better going website wise.

I’m going to keep this short and hopefully will start on a lot of the things that I have up in the ol’ noggin for later. But lately, for some reason or another I’ve been getting complaints more than usual. Not like these complaints are actually BACKED UP by anything besides the fact that the people are neurotic idiots fueled by a lack of attention and calcium deficiency.

Customer Complaints begin here.
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